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- *NEW* Secret Question Revealed: Does your truth need their approval⁉️ (May 17)
*NEW* Secret Question Revealed: Does your truth need their approval⁉️ (May 17)
*NEW* Secret Question Revealed 🙊
Reading Time: 2 Minutes
Good evening Fam,
We were so excited to hear this question from you. Not only is it becoming more and more common to engage in non-traditional relationship practices, we are also happy to see these topics become less and less taboo. Everyone wants to avoid judgment, but every one of us has also participated in being judgemental. At Feeling Seen, we are creating a community. That means, we are here to learn from one another, draw on the experiences of others, and connect to lives that are not our own. This is how we release ourselves from judgment and instead expand into compassion.
So, this week, we ask the entire Fam to check their judgment at the door and stay open to learning from the experiences of others–whether or not we would choose these experiences for ourselves.
Dear Mike,
My spouse and I are swingers and have been for many years, but we haven't told our families or even some of our close friends. Should we? It feels like an important part of who we are but I'm not sure people will understand it.
Sincerely,
To Tell Or Not To Tell
Dear To Tell Or Not To Tell,
What you are describing is a practice referred to as consensual non-monogamy.
Consensual non-monogamy is a type of designer relationship dynamic in which two or more people agree to have sexual relationships with others but remain committed to one another emotionally. Many consensually non-monogamous couples agree that it can be an effective way to enhance their relationship. So long as all parties are happy with the arrangement and well-informed.
In fact, many couples in “designer relationships” (a term used by Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson) report better levels of communication. (This is likely because clear communication and active listening are essential when creating new relationship rules that haven’t been demonstrated as often in mainstream practice.)
Deciding to go designer with your relationship can be very exciting, but it can have some challenges.
One of those challenges is disclosing to others if you choose to disclose at all.
For this complex topic, we engaged Feeling Seen Friend, nurse, counselor, and hypnotherapist Kathy Labriola who created the renowned “Platform Release Strategy” for intimate disclosures. This approach, which you can read about in this week’s guest blog post, teaches you how to “come out” as swingers to the people in your life who you believe are most likely to be accepting. Important crossover fact: This strategy was first used successfully by LGBTQ people in the 1980s during dangerously homophobic eras to make “coming out” safer.
The bottom line: Practices like consensual non-monogamy and other designer relationship dynamics mustn't be viewed as taboo because anything seen as taboo is too often judged, shamed, and rejected by our peers. Shame is problematic for anyone, especially those whose lifestyle and choices are not yet mainstream. And Feeling Seen is about reducing shame, not adding to it.
We always want to encourage our Fam to get loud about their personal choices (*cue J-Lo track*), be unapologetically themselves, and start treating conversations about sex the same way we treat any other discussion.
That said, like everything that happens in the bedroom, there are some things we are comfortable sharing with others and some we are not. With anything that invites vulnerability, the question is not should I share, but do I trust that this person is a safe container for the information before I do?
I hope this helps swing you into reflection (see what we did there) and maybe into another bedroom...
Until next week, we hope that keeps you feeling more than just seen.
Mike and The Feeling Seen Team
Note: This content is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. We cannot respond to personal requests for advice over the internet.
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