*NEW* Secret Sex Question Revealed: You gave everything yet still betrayed (May 10)

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Evening Fam,

DAMN! Do we have a hot topic for you this week! If we’re honest, this question hit us right in the feels…and right in the brain. Let's dive right in...

Dear Mike,

When you have a good woman, who never denies you or deprives you sexually, strives to be there emotionally and all...cooks, cleans, is honest, loyal, and loves God... why would a man cheat?

Sincerely,

Why Mike, Why?

Dear Why Mike, Why,    

We are SO glad you brought this to the table. When we read this question, we all let out a collective sigh before attempting to jump through the screen and give you a big hug.    

*Whoosh* we can feel your pain in this.    

It sounds like you did everything you knew how to do to be all the things you needed to be for someone to just love you as you are…and despite those considerable efforts, you ended up getting hurt anyway.  

Let's break this down and get you some answers here. 

First, the word "cheat" is a vague and cloudy concept that does not fully capture what happened here.    

What really happened is one party engaged in deceptive words and behaviors to achieve a desired sexual goal.   

That one person has betrayed the trust of another.    

Another = you. 😥  

Although it's hard for people to hear, the primary reason a person cheats is associated with egocentricity (sometimes we call this selfishness, and in more severe circumstances, narcissism). Engaging in deceptive behaviors indicates that the person lacks empathy towards their partner. They may feel entitled, require attention, or are preoccupied with themselves and their needs. These traits may be situational and transient (in other words, they may pass through quickly) or be more persistent.    

But, here's the truth we want you to hear loud and clear:    

None of this is about you.    

It's not about what you did or didn’t do.    

It’s not about how much you cleaned or cooked.    

It's not about whether you are a good person or partner.    

It’s not about how much sex you had or didn’t have.    

It’s not about how much you love God.  

It's not about who you are at all.    

That makes it harder to understand (we know) because it means you can’t control it. (*Ooof*) But the truth is: you’ve never had the power to control another person’s actions–and you never will.    

People who engage in deceptive behavior choose this behavior on their own.    

If they felt scared to share certain desires with you or didn't feel their needs were being met inside your relationship, the only right move was to talk about it with you or to end the relationship if they couldn’t find a resolution.    

But, it's a little late for that pep talk, so let's talk about the next steps now that your trust has been betrayed:    

Here’s our Feeling Seen Top 5 Tips for dealing with betrayal:    

1. If you haven't already, demand total honesty. Answer any unanswered questions, including timeline and facts, and ask for immediate behavior change (should there be a legitimate reason to continue working through this betrayal.)    

2. Get tested for STIs if the affair included sexual contact or touching. (We suggest you do this anyway in the event that any truth is being withheld.)    

3. If the relationship ends, get rid of any mementos, and set boundaries on social media right away. This means no commenting "CHEATER!!" on their posts. (We wouldn't blame you, but let's not.)    

4. Don’t try to seek revenge. You sound like a wonderful person with a big heart. Don’t bring yourself down to their level, no matter how good it might feel.  

5. Seek help from a therapist or counselor. Above all else, we want you to continue being exactly who you are in your next relationship and feel safe to express your needs. Sometimes our efforts to impress others are really hidden attempts to make people stay because we’ve experienced abandonment in the past. Those actions often don’t represent who we are or what we want, only what we fear might happen if we don’t do them.    These patterns also need to be seen and healed so you can feel seen and healed.     Big hugs to you 🧸 from the Fam     [Did you forget to submit your question? Don't be shy, hit reply.]

Mike and The Feeling Seen Team

Submit your story and question HERE!

Note: This content is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. We cannot respond to personal requests for advice over the internet.

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