Do you want gifts or truths 🌹

Ooooh you will get so much juice from today's read!

What word on Google means, “a woman in a position of authority or control'?' If you guessed mistress you’d be right! Time we update & agree on words!

Our scientific research shows varied differences on gender and cheating. We have seen consistency on how: 

Men lean to "physical" cheating. Women lean to "emotional" cheating. 

Truth: Our brain is wired for survival. To thrive we must learn what is and isn’t beneficial for us. At times, that means “who” is and isn’t food for our soul.

Dear Feeling Seen,

Is it okay, to date someone who is married?

Your Friend, Optimistic

Dear Optimistic, 

Morals are a subjective phenomenon. These types of questions always have plenty of juice to spill! We appreciate you asking your truth. 

There is a crystal-clear perspective that many people hold. The confines of thy marriage is complete and maxed with the married parties. 

Most feel being a mistress [lover, gigolo] is wrong and doesn’t work. It’s true. It may not work.

The International Academy of Sex Research, found "44% of married couples report cheating". Keyword, report. 

How do you define cheating? Have you discussed what is cheating in your type of relationship? 

We took this from a study, “going outside of the agreed upon negotiations of the relationship”. The studies broke it down into digital, physical and emotional.

• Digital [Ex. send, receive or exchange explicit “media” etc]

• Physical [Ex. 1st, 2nd, 3rd base or home run, etc]  

• Emotional [Ex. what you wouldn’t want to come to light, chat/talks etc] 

Answer the poll. Be truthful..you're anonymous when you vote. 

Unmet intimacy, emotional and/or physical sexual needs. The causes of going outside of the agreed upon negotiations of the relationships per the research. 

Lower satisfaction = greater engagement in physical/sexual and/or emotional infidelity. 

Excerpt from “The Mistresses Perspective” :

It’s time to receive your partner. Be intimate and connect. By having conversations.

Sharing the parts of you that you feel your partner doesn’t want to hear. That’s intimate. 

The closeness aspect of intimacy comes in how you speak or fight. Fight fair. 

Speak with love, kindness and compassion. We don’t play blind loyalty. We uplift, not tear down. 

There are many reasons why someone falls in love with a married person. 

• You may not have known 

• Developed feelings, despite knowing their truth

• You evolved. To accept a "mistress relationship"

• You have a preference on short-term and long-term relationships

If you fall in love, moral or not, you have a problem.

Entanglements bring painful emotions onboard. Compromises in this regard are usually built on a weak foundation.

Created from its environment. You can find yourself on an island stranded, lonely, and heartbroken.

Have you heard of Ashley Madison? The dating service website with 65M+ members whose slogan is, "Life is short. Have an affair." 

They found most mistresses wanted married men. For the money and expensive goodies they’re offered. 

Both parties need to know exactly what they are getting into. Know there is a high probability of a negative outcome.

Everyone needs to be clear about the boundaries of the relationship. 

Clients of ours have voiced being in fear of telling their partner their needs. Knowing their needs don’t align with their partners.

Each situation is different. Conversations about consensual non monogamy is an option. More transparency and open communication.

Put as much honesty as you can out on the table in the open. 

False expectations hurt.

Cheating and Married? Manipulation is inevitable. Which side of the manipulation are you on? 

Is it okay for YOU to date a married person?

That’s a question that only you can answer. Only you know all the tiny but important details. 

If you don’t know what the situation is, you will be the one left out to dry. Ask open and direct questions and don’t settle for short, closed-ended responses. 

Have an open mind and be specific about what you believe is possible for you to benefit in such an experience. 

What you believe [about your actions] does impact you. Your joy, pleasure, or success in the situation. Guilt can be a heavy burden to carry over time. 

Things tend to get heavier and cause more stress on the body and mind. Feelings of anxiety, loneliness, depression, or other unhealthy changes can occur.

What fear is beneath all of this?

A shattered nervous system is suffering

You are taking a major risk. There is a chance the person could not be honest with you and mislead you into a dark hole.

Signs that things are not looking good:

• You are not a priority

• You develop unhealthy feelings 

• You feel lonelier now that you are seeing each other

• Holding space together is challenging

• You don’t feel you can trust the person

• You feel judged when you are together

• Your guilt is becoming unbearable

• You find it difficult to be honest with yourself

Tried everything. Hope for the marriage is gone. The married partner is great at expressing their side and not their partners. 

Here is a quick mental checklist to run through:

• How do you maintain what you have built and protect yourself at the same time?

• How do you keep that shine?

• Is balance realistic?

We can’t predict the details, but let’s say you have your reasons. 

• Don’t allow your heart to run away with your mind.

• Put your boundaries on display. You must protect your heart.

• Be honest about what you expect.

• Take is slow.

• Expect the unexpected. Anything can happen at any time. Stay present.

• Embrace stress management tools.

This is your life. See with your heart. Listen to the voice in your head keeping you honest and follow your gut-feeling. Your life. Your choice. Your reasons. 

FEELING SEEN’S HEALTH & WELLNESS TIP

This situation is never easy. Beauty is possible in the darkest of places.

Emotional Conflict Questionnaire: 

• Do you understand the other person's situation:

  •  are they in an open-marriage, poly or monogamous?

• What are the expectations on both sides?

• How do you feel about yourself when you are with this person?

• Do you trust the person’s beliefs and feelings about you? 

  • Why and based on what merit?

• What connections do you hold that are not physical and ego driven?

• Are you prepared to deal with the worst-case scenario? 

  • What does that look like from your perspective?

• Can you forgive and accept yourself if things don’t work out as you would like?

• Are you comfortable with being close friends? Is this enough to sustain you?

• Are you still open to other options? If you meet someone you feel attracted to, can you take that chance without feeling guilty?

• If you ever feel you can’t walk away, you are in too deep and you need to run.